4 posts tagged “universal”

The trailer to one of my favourite films—but it’s very 1960s. A modern audience won’t exactly get excited over this. That’s ironic though: if you see the film, there are plenty of scenes which could be edited in a modern fashion to create a very impactful trailer. But since it was the 1960s, this was perfectly acceptable and there’s just enough of Sophia Loren in a state of undress to get her fans along. And plenty of Christian Dior dresses and shoes (oh, the shoes—they were in Loren’s contract and written in to the script as a fetish of Alan Badel’s character). Gregory Peck, meanwhile, is still one of the top stars of the time—doing a role originally written for Archie Leach (Cary Grant to the rest of us). Note the prominence of Henry Mancini’s name, too. 
   As a movie it holds up remarkably well, far better than the trailer.

Un pub pour le film Arabesque, de Stanley Donen, avec Gregory Peck et Sophia Loren.

Columbo in the 21st century

As a Miss (Universe) New Zealand judge, I can’t help thinking that pageantry would be an awfully good setting for a Columbo story, rather than the world of Sandra Bullock and Miss Congeniality. But we should have William Shatner guest-star.

Opening scene: Auckland hotel room. Miss Balclutha lies dead with a knife in her back. There is no blood as this is prime-time TV. Miss Titirangi, Miss Balclutha’s roommate, stands by the fireplace, her hands covered in fake-looking blood (which you can show on prime-time TV). A bloated, overweight crime scene photographer takes a snapshot of the body.

Cop 1 (examining the body): Looks like suicide to me.
Cop 2: Yep, let’s put that on the report.

Lt Columbo enters.

Cop 2: Say, Lt Columbo from the LAPD! It’s all right here, sir. It looks like a regular suicide.
Columbo: Is that a fact? You know, here I am on vacation in New Zealand with my wife, Mrs Columbo, and I see all these police cars, and I say to her, I just have to see what the boys in New Zealand are doing.
Cop 1: We appreciate it, Lieutenant, but I think we can handle it.
Columbo: Do you mind if I just look around? My wife, Mrs Columbo, she’s back in the hotel room watching CSI. I don’t like that show. Oh, too much blood, you know how it is.
Cop 2: Sure, Lieutenant. Pity those cops don’t know how to solve crimes like us real ones, huh?
Columbo: Oh, you can say that again.

Columbo turns to Miss Titirangi.

Columbo: Ma’am, can you help me out here?
Miss Titirangi: Of course, Lieutenant, but you have to know I’m pretty shaken up. I came back—I’ve been assigned as her roommate—and just found her like … that.
Columbo: Oh, I didn’t want to know all that. I was just wondering if you could stand over there so I could be nearer the fireplace. This coat, you know, it doesn’t have lining, and it’s colder here in New Zealand than in LA in April.
Miss Titirangi: That’s fine Lieutenant. Would you like a drink?
Columbo: No, Ma’am, I’m fine. But I just have to ask myself something.
Miss Titirangi: Yes?
Columbo (eyeing the coffee table): You see that DVD of Miss Congeniality that she has on the coffee table? I find that strange.
Miss Titirangi: Why is that strange, Lieutenant? A lot of us in beauty pageants have seen that film. Michael Caine is so dreamy. If you’re into old dudes.
Columbo: Aw, he’s not that old. Is he old? Maybe you’re right. But can I ask you one more question?
Miss Titirangi: Er, OK.
Columbo: Why is it that the store security sticker is still on it? She hasn’t watched it. So why would she kill herself?
Miss Titirangi: Well, you know, she was always a bit … unstable. I hear that she’s not even from Balclutha.

Columbo, seemingly satisfied, begins stepping toward the door.

Columbo: One more question, Ma’am. I won’t be a minute.
Miss Titirangi: Make it fast, Lieutenant.
Columbo (going to the coffee table, picking up items): And you see this greeting card she bought? She hasn’t filled it out yet.
Miss Titirangi (getting frustrated): She was a beauty queen. Maybe she was illiterate?
Columbo: I have to ask myself why she would even buy that if she was planning to kill herself.
Cop 2: Lieutenant, we might have to wrap it up here.
Columbo: That’s fine, Constable, I really should get back to my hotel room and see my wife, Mrs Columbo.

Columbo and the cops begin leaving. Columbo turns around.

Columbo (to Miss Titirangi): One more thing, Ma’am.
Miss Titirangi (irate): Yes, Lieutenant?
Columbo: How come your roommate left an envelope under the couch?
Miss Titirangi: What envelope?
Cop 1: Wow, he’s good, I never saw that.
Cop 2: Yeah, well you sat your Police College exam six times, Einstein.
Cop 1: Better than sitting it seven times. And you’re not in Guatemala now, Dr Ropata.
Columbo: This envelope, under the couch. I wonder what’s inside. Can we open it? Can we do that, Ma’am?
Miss Titirangi (irate and puzzled): Sure.

Columbo retrieves the envelope and opens it, pulling out photographs.

Cop 1 (examining the photographs): That’s Miss Titirangi!
Cop 2: Wow, that’s some serious girl-on-girl action.
Columbo: Is that you, Ma’am?
Miss Titirangi: No! Oh, just stop it! Stop it!
Cop 2: Your conscience finally got you, hey Miss?
Miss Titirangi: No, the questions! Stop him asking questions!
Columbo: One more question, Ma’am.
Miss Titirangi: No! OK, I did it, just stop asking me stuff! I can’t handle it!
Columbo: It won’t take any time, just one more.
Miss Titirangi: Stop it! Stop it! I did it, I knifed her in the back, see? She was blackmailing me with those photos, saying that she’d show them to the judges, especially Jack! And he’s the mean one! I came up behind her after she had been to Whitcoulls for the DVD and the greeting card! Please, lock me up. I confess. I’ll do life. Just no more questions!

Cop 1 and Cop 2 begin putting handcuffs on Miss Titirangi.

Cop 1: You have the right to remain silent …

Fade out. CBS’s ‘Mystery Movie Theme’ plays.

Author’s note: to the Trekkies expecting a walk-on from William Shatner, you’re too late. He played the crime scene photographer at the beginning.
   N. B.: This did not happen at this year’s pageant. Not exactly like this, anyway.

Ashes to Ashes managed 5·8 million viewers (24·9 per cent) in the UK on Thursday night, which is lower than the average of the first series of Life on Mars, but an improvement on where things were for the second series (which dipped to 4·8 million by the third episode). I hope fans will get a second series of Ashes to Ashes: these are still respectable viewer numbers.
   At least with the Brits, the shows I like tend to get renewed. The American shows I like tend to get prematurely cancelled.
   Although I did rather like that cheesy Knight Rider pilot in mid-February, and rumour has it that it might become a regular TV series.

If you want something bawdy and suggestive, hop over to Rockstep’s Vox blog and the post on Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. I never quite thought of that particular scene as a bondage video, though it was filled with sexual connotations: have a listen to the audio track with your eyes closed.