7 posts tagged “joke”

Carla Bruni on the cover of Point de Vue

The Nobel Prize committee likes that President Obama is warm. Over in France, Carla Bruni likes that presidents are cosy.
   Thanks to Michelle Kleinsmith for inspiring this post.

Where were the Secret Service guys when Muntadhar al-Zaidi’s shoes came flying toward President Bush yesterday? What if it were a grenade? And now, of course, those who do want to pop the President off know just how the Service will react if a projectile were aimed at him.
   They also know that Dubya has pretty good reactions for a sexagenarian.
   And his wit’s still there: ‘That was a size 10 shoe he threw at me, you may want to know.’ Good recovery. On a par with Billy Crystal and the Jack Palance ad libs that year at the Oscars, at least as far as politics are concerned.
   I might not agree with your world-view, but, Mr President, I am pretty sure I would have taken a shoe for you.

Front_page

I have to admit, I got suckered—the New York Times parody newspaper that I blogged about earlier did not come from The New York Times, but the Yes Men. I’ve put that entry on private mode for the time being, as I didn’t want people to be fooled by it. But it was good: these folks printed up the newspapers for real (1·2 million copies), used typefaces that came pretty close to the real thing (as I am not a reader I had nothing to compare it with), sent out realistic press releases (which is how I got on to it), and phished me on to their site. I still applaud these guys for a great April Fool prank even if they were under half a year early and I am still wiping the egg off my face for commenting on it after earlier getting on my high horse about media relying too much on press releases. Life’s little ironies!
   Well, with hindsight, at least I was quite balanced with my commentary about the inappropriateness of the newspaper if the Sulzbergers had published it, but given the Jayson Blair gaffe, it was easier to swallow the idea that The New York Times would be publishing fiction!

The trouble with the Obama surname from a humour point-of-view is that the senator from Illinois and his wife are the two most famous people bearing it. There are no others who are comparable.
   For example, antipodeans can keep using ‘Ah, McCain, you’ve done it again!’ to tie in with a food company in Australia.
   With Sarah Palin, there are countless Monty Python references through Michael Palin, e.g. Michael Palin in Pole to Pole, Sarah Palin in Poll to Poll.
   On the other side, Joe Biden is way tougher name-wise to get gags going. There are already 43,000-plus Google references to the most obvious, ‘Biden time’.
   I heard, ‘Once Biden, twice shy,’ but you have to change a word to fit.
   Similarly, I know we have Obamanomics and words like that but they are not that punny.
   Even last time the Democrats gave us Teresa Heinz Kerry, the wife of the Massachusetts senator, so we could say Beantown meanz Heinz. Not very funny but tolerable.
   And ask David Letterman for any jokes relating to Clinton.
   The Dems have taken out so much of the potential humour in the names in ’08. (Republican headline: ‘Democrats rob US of humor: national laugh index would drop under Obama’.)

You know how spammers regularly put a fake name next to your email address that’s somehow compiled from their database?
   It’s been a wonderful filtering tool because somewhere along the line, one spammer decided my name is Newton Singewald. Evidently that spammer had sold on that list with the alias intact, so I now receive emails addressed to Newton. Bingo—the name is in my filters now.
   How very cooperative!
   As Christians know, Newt was one of the first five disciples: Matthew, Mark, Olivia, Newt and John.

Columbo in the 21st century

As a Miss (Universe) New Zealand judge, I can’t help thinking that pageantry would be an awfully good setting for a Columbo story, rather than the world of Sandra Bullock and Miss Congeniality. But we should have William Shatner guest-star.

Opening scene: Auckland hotel room. Miss Balclutha lies dead with a knife in her back. There is no blood as this is prime-time TV. Miss Titirangi, Miss Balclutha’s roommate, stands by the fireplace, her hands covered in fake-looking blood (which you can show on prime-time TV). A bloated, overweight crime scene photographer takes a snapshot of the body.

Cop 1 (examining the body): Looks like suicide to me.
Cop 2: Yep, let’s put that on the report.

Lt Columbo enters.

Cop 2: Say, Lt Columbo from the LAPD! It’s all right here, sir. It looks like a regular suicide.
Columbo: Is that a fact? You know, here I am on vacation in New Zealand with my wife, Mrs Columbo, and I see all these police cars, and I say to her, I just have to see what the boys in New Zealand are doing.
Cop 1: We appreciate it, Lieutenant, but I think we can handle it.
Columbo: Do you mind if I just look around? My wife, Mrs Columbo, she’s back in the hotel room watching CSI. I don’t like that show. Oh, too much blood, you know how it is.
Cop 2: Sure, Lieutenant. Pity those cops don’t know how to solve crimes like us real ones, huh?
Columbo: Oh, you can say that again.

Columbo turns to Miss Titirangi.

Columbo: Ma’am, can you help me out here?
Miss Titirangi: Of course, Lieutenant, but you have to know I’m pretty shaken up. I came back—I’ve been assigned as her roommate—and just found her like … that.
Columbo: Oh, I didn’t want to know all that. I was just wondering if you could stand over there so I could be nearer the fireplace. This coat, you know, it doesn’t have lining, and it’s colder here in New Zealand than in LA in April.
Miss Titirangi: That’s fine Lieutenant. Would you like a drink?
Columbo: No, Ma’am, I’m fine. But I just have to ask myself something.
Miss Titirangi: Yes?
Columbo (eyeing the coffee table): You see that DVD of Miss Congeniality that she has on the coffee table? I find that strange.
Miss Titirangi: Why is that strange, Lieutenant? A lot of us in beauty pageants have seen that film. Michael Caine is so dreamy. If you’re into old dudes.
Columbo: Aw, he’s not that old. Is he old? Maybe you’re right. But can I ask you one more question?
Miss Titirangi: Er, OK.
Columbo: Why is it that the store security sticker is still on it? She hasn’t watched it. So why would she kill herself?
Miss Titirangi: Well, you know, she was always a bit … unstable. I hear that she’s not even from Balclutha.

Columbo, seemingly satisfied, begins stepping toward the door.

Columbo: One more question, Ma’am. I won’t be a minute.
Miss Titirangi: Make it fast, Lieutenant.
Columbo (going to the coffee table, picking up items): And you see this greeting card she bought? She hasn’t filled it out yet.
Miss Titirangi (getting frustrated): She was a beauty queen. Maybe she was illiterate?
Columbo: I have to ask myself why she would even buy that if she was planning to kill herself.
Cop 2: Lieutenant, we might have to wrap it up here.
Columbo: That’s fine, Constable, I really should get back to my hotel room and see my wife, Mrs Columbo.

Columbo and the cops begin leaving. Columbo turns around.

Columbo (to Miss Titirangi): One more thing, Ma’am.
Miss Titirangi (irate): Yes, Lieutenant?
Columbo: How come your roommate left an envelope under the couch?
Miss Titirangi: What envelope?
Cop 1: Wow, he’s good, I never saw that.
Cop 2: Yeah, well you sat your Police College exam six times, Einstein.
Cop 1: Better than sitting it seven times. And you’re not in Guatemala now, Dr Ropata.
Columbo: This envelope, under the couch. I wonder what’s inside. Can we open it? Can we do that, Ma’am?
Miss Titirangi (irate and puzzled): Sure.

Columbo retrieves the envelope and opens it, pulling out photographs.

Cop 1 (examining the photographs): That’s Miss Titirangi!
Cop 2: Wow, that’s some serious girl-on-girl action.
Columbo: Is that you, Ma’am?
Miss Titirangi: No! Oh, just stop it! Stop it!
Cop 2: Your conscience finally got you, hey Miss?
Miss Titirangi: No, the questions! Stop him asking questions!
Columbo: One more question, Ma’am.
Miss Titirangi: No! OK, I did it, just stop asking me stuff! I can’t handle it!
Columbo: It won’t take any time, just one more.
Miss Titirangi: Stop it! Stop it! I did it, I knifed her in the back, see? She was blackmailing me with those photos, saying that she’d show them to the judges, especially Jack! And he’s the mean one! I came up behind her after she had been to Whitcoulls for the DVD and the greeting card! Please, lock me up. I confess. I’ll do life. Just no more questions!

Cop 1 and Cop 2 begin putting handcuffs on Miss Titirangi.

Cop 1: You have the right to remain silent …

Fade out. CBS’s ‘Mystery Movie Theme’ plays.

Author’s note: to the Trekkies expecting a walk-on from William Shatner, you’re too late. He played the crime scene photographer at the beginning.
   N. B.: This did not happen at this year’s pageant. Not exactly like this, anyway.

I got to bed after 3 a.m. this morning and already I have told journalists:

• I confirm Sen. Clinton’s Bosnia story as I was hired as a sniper in Tuzla;
• I was the one who handed Dan Rather the Bush National Guard documents outside Kinko’s;
• I’ve still got that deleted part from the Watergate tapes; and
• Sen. John Kerry did indeed throw his medals away—I caught them.

   Can’t believe I said all that in a press release. Man, that sleep deprivation’s nasty.