3 posts tagged “john howard”

I say that my work at JY&A Consulting is developing plain-English strategies for our clients. So, I thought I’d give the Iraq war a shot and write my recollections in summary form. The Saddam Hussein voice should be read in a South Park style. Steve Bridges plays George W. Bush, with Rory Bremner as Tony Blair. Special guest appearance by Rupert Murdoch.

Saddam Hussein: I gotta gas those Kurds. Let’s let off some WMDs. Where did I put that invitation to those terrorists?
Saddam’s sons-in-law: Saddam has WMDs. A lot of them.
UN: Under the ceasefire, you can’t have them. We’re sending inspectors in.
Inspectors: We found some but there’s more based on what he had before, and we can’t figure out where they are.
UN: Say, Saddam, you need to tell us where some of this stuff has gone to.
Saddam Hussein: Here’s a big-ass report. Chew on that.
UN: Dude, this isn’t complete. In fact, it looks like you have pulled it out of your ass.

Security Council president: Let’s have a vote on a resolution. Who says that we should punish Saddam Hussein if he doesn’t front up on info about his potential for WMDs, where he’s disposed of some of the ones the inspectors can’t find any more, and sort out the money he owes Kuwait?
Security Council members: Yes, we should!
Security Council president: Cool, 15 to 0. Wow, that’s better than that time Saddam invaded Kuwait.

UN: Well, Saddam, here’s resolution 1441. You’ll be in serious trouble if you don’t comply.
Saddam Hussein: Hey, don’t worry about it.

Iraqi ambassador to UN: Here’s the new report.
UN: This is just as stupid as the earlier stuff you handed in. Didn’t you read the questions?
Iraqi ambassador to UN: Yeah, but what are you going to do? Dumbasses.

USA: Right, that means we have to punish this guy under resolution 1441.
France: You need to get one more resolution for military action before you do that.
USA: And if we do, what will do you?
France: We’d veto it.
USA: Basically you are saying that no matter what resolution the international community has voted on, you don’t think we should enforce it?
France: In a word, no. But it’s because of the UN Charter that we have to all agree on military action before we do anything.
USA: Screw you, peacenik.
France: Screw you, warmonger.

George W. Bush: Tony, the French are being assholes. If we don’t enforce this, we’ll look dumb, the UN will look impotent, and Saddam Hussein could continue building up an arsenal. Whatever the case, we don’t know what that smug sonofabitch is doing.
Tony Blair: I agree, George. We either enforce the law, or we say that laws don’t matter. I couldn’t run a country like that.
Gordon Brown: I don’t know if he can run a country. I would do a better job and I have the same initials as the American guy.
John Howard: Count me in.
Jacques Chirac: I hate Americans. But I did meet that Saddam in 1975. Nice guy. We had dinner together.
Jiang Zemin: I like Americans. When they are at war, their economy will be in trouble and they will have to buy more stuff from us!

George W. Bush: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Congress, we have to go to war to enforce international law. Who’s with me?
Majority of Congress: We are.
Minority of Congress: We like French food.

Saddam Hussein: Looks like I’m f***ed. Get me Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the Information Minister!
France: Told you so, the Americans are warmongers.
Liberal media: Don’t worry, we’ll do what we can with slanted reporting to make the troops feel bad. And we’ll give that Information Minister dude a lot of air time.
Rupert Murdoch: Not on my watch. I can set Bill O’Reilly on you.

   Now, I know I have missed out some facts to get it into summary format, and the Commander-in-Chief has been edited for fluency, but consider how long the last post was!

After five terms, Australians have voted out four-term PM John Howard despite a strong economy (I imagine Liberal and coalition supporters will blame Work Choices) and voted in Mandarin-speaking Kevin Rudd and his Labor Party. Word has it that Mr Howard may even lose his own seat which has the largest proportion of non-Australian-born voters—including, most recently, a large group of Chinese who had moved from Red China.
   Traditionally, Mr Howard and the Liberals (note to our American friends: this means something different in Australia) have had support from southern Chinese, many of whom are traditional overseas Chinese who oppose the Communists. Since Deng freed up the Red territories, there have been more immigrants from the mainland, and these are generally Labor supporters particularly impressed with Mr Rudd’s linguistic skills and his work in Beijing.
   My witnessing of the campaign first-hand was brief while in Australia, but I noticed that the negative campaign of the Liberals failed to strike a chord with everyday Australians. After five terms, it is relatively easy for an Opposition politician to cry ‘Change!’ and Mr Rudd has been rewarded.
   The leftward shift may mean the US will lose a key ally in the Iraq War. However, if the Psychic Twins are right and Sen. Clinton takes the Presidency, then the leftward shift in Australia may keep the two nations closely tied together. Whatever the case, 2009 will look rather different to 2007 as the cycle swings again.
   I am sure the White House will have been watching this campaign closely, either learning from the right’s mistakes or seeing how a strong, shoulder-to-shoulder ally fared on Election Day. The news, sadly for them, was not good. And if there is a leftward trend in voting, then New Zealand’s John Key should not feel smug for a moment as an ineffective Leader of the Opposition against three-termer Helen Clark.

Lucire’s Sylvia Giles has just returned from an assignment in Melbourne, Victoria, and blogged about the state of race relations in Australia. I trust Sylvia’s judgement (otherwise, why would she be writing for us?) and it was very sad to see that even regular Australians from her random sample did not have good things to say about Prime Minister Howard’s record. And I had been quite supportive of the PM and of Alexander Downer, especially when they tried to back up alleged terrorist and al-Qaeda trainee David Hicks (in contrast to the laziness of our own Foreign Minister-outside-Cabinet, Winston Peters). Sadly, Sylvia gives us a lot of food for thought and may provide an answer to the age-old (well, age and a half) question, ‘Where the bloody hell are you?’